Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Grief and birthdays.

Grief is a funny thing. I was looking through pictures of Bob since today would have been his birthday and what hit me this time is these are the last pictures of him, ever. There won’t be any more and it makes them just that much more special.  He has been gone three and a half years this month and I have worked through or probably just blew right by the expected “stages” of grief.  I think I am in the “what would have been?”   stage. We had our life planned out and he not being here has changed the course of mine in very surprising and not always pleasant ways.
I think the most challenging aspect has been is trying to figure out who I am by myself.  When you are in a relationship with a person for over 35 years and that relationship ends, you really aren’t the same person anymore. There isn’t anyone who knows that person anymore. So who are you? Who do you want to be? It sort of sucks working all this out and it’s a surprising part of the process that I had no clue would happen.  

It is said that everyone grieves differently and I know this is true because I follow a lot of widow websites. They aim to empower and support or just be an ear to listen but what I find is many many women are still grieving after a long time and haven’t moved on. I know one thing; I don’t want to be that kind of person, stuck in my grief and unable to grow. I just hope that when it’s all said and done I will end up being a person that Bob would still be proud of.

He was a very gentle and quiet man with a subtle sense of humor who loved me warts and all. It was difficult to find a picture of just him, almost all my pictures where of us, with his arms wrapped around me. Happy Birthday to my darling Bud.